Parts, Attachment, and Why We React in Relationships
Updated: Oct 25
Understanding the Trauma-Informed Patterns That Shape Connection - and the Space Between
By Leigh Milne, Psychologist & Couples Therapist & Quantum Couple Coach
Beyond communication. Beyond blame. Discovering what becomes possible in the space between.
Have you ever noticed that during conflict with your partner, you react in ways that don't fully reflect who you are at your best?
Perhaps part of you longs for reassurance and closeness, while another part wants to withdraw, shut down or protect itself.
You may genuinely love your partner, yet find yourself becoming defensive, anxious, critical or emotionally unavailable during disagreements.
And afterwards, you might wonder:
Why did I react so strongly?
Why do I keep repeating this pattern?
Why does a small disagreement sometimes feel so threatening?
From a trauma-informed and attachment-based perspective, these reactions may reflect emotional patterns and protective strategies that developed earlier in life.
In parts-informed approaches such as Resource Therapy, we also explore how different emotional states or aspects of ourselves can become activated in different situations.
But there is another dimension that I consider particularly important in couples therapy.
What happens within each person influences what happens between them.
Understanding this connection between our internal emotional experiences and the Space Between can offer a different perspective on relationship conflict, emotional safety and connection.
Attachment Patterns: Early Blueprints for Connection
Attachment theory explores how our early experiences of connection, caregiving and emotional availability may influence our expectations of relationships throughout life.
These experiences can shape beliefs about whether others are trustworthy, whether our needs matter and whether emotional closeness feels safe.
Adult attachment patterns are commonly described using the following categories, although attachment is more complex than a fixed personality label.
Anxious Attachment: "Please Don't Leave Me"
People with anxious attachment tendencies may be particularly sensitive to signs of emotional distance or rejection.
They may:
Seek frequent reassurance or emotional confirmation.
Become distressed when their partner withdraws.
Worry about abandonment or relationship stability.
Overanalyse conversations or changes in behaviour.
Feel uncomfortable when disagreements remain unresolved.
Pursue connection when experiencing uncertainty.
Interpret silence or reduced affection as rejection.
Experience heightened emotional reactions during conflict.
Beneath these responses may be a fear of losing connection or not being important to the other person.
Avoidant Attachment: "I Need Space to Feel Safe"
People with avoidant attachment tendencies may place greater emphasis on independence, emotional self-reliance or maintaining personal space.
They may:
Withdraw when emotional intensity increases.
Find it difficult to express vulnerable feelings.
Prefer to process distress independently.
Feel overwhelmed by repeated questioning.
Avoid emotionally demanding conversations.
Become uncomfortable when they feel pressured to disclose emotions.
Struggle to ask for reassurance or support.
Distance themselves when conflict becomes intense.
For some people, emotional distance is a protective strategy rather than a lack of love or commitment.
Fearful-Avoidant or Disorganised Attachment: "I Want Connection, But It Doesn't Always Feel Safe"
Some individuals experience a conflict between wanting emotional closeness and feeling threatened by vulnerability.
They may:
Seek intimacy but become uncomfortable when it develops.
Fear abandonment while also fearing emotional dependence.
Alternate between pursuing and withdrawing.
Experience difficulty trusting a partner's intentions.
Become highly reactive to perceived rejection.
Feel confused by their own emotional responses.
Experience strong protective reactions during conflict.
Struggle to maintain a consistent sense of safety in relationships.
These patterns may be associated with complex or inconsistent relational experiences, although attachment labels alone cannot establish a history of trauma.
Secure Attachment: "We Can Be Connected and Still Be Different"
Secure attachment generally involves a greater capacity to balance emotional connection with individual autonomy.
People with more secure attachment patterns may be better able to:
Express needs and feelings openly.
Seek support when distressed.
Respect a partner's boundaries.
Tolerate differences and disagreements.
Maintain trust during temporary emotional distance.
Repair misunderstandings following conflict.
Balance independence with intimacy.
Respond to vulnerability with empathy.
Attachment patterns are not fixed identities or diagnoses. They can vary across relationships and circumstances, and people can develop greater relational security over time.
Understanding Parts Work in Relationships
Have you ever said:
"Part of me wants to talk about it, but another part just wants to run away."
Or perhaps:
"I know my partner isn't trying to hurt me, but something inside me reacts as though I'm being attacked."
These experiences can be explored through parts-informed therapeutic approaches.
Resource Therapy and other parts-based models provide a way of understanding how different emotional states, perspectives and protective responses may become prominent in different situations.
For example, someone may experience:
A vulnerable part that fears abandonment or rejection.
A protective part that withdraws to avoid emotional pain.
An angry part that becomes defensive when feeling threatened.
A people-pleasing part that struggles to express boundaries.
A critical part that attempts to prevent mistakes or rejection.
A fearful part that expects betrayal or disappointment.
An independent part that avoids relying on others.
A caregiving part that prioritises another person's needs.
A perfectionistic part that fears criticism or inadequacy.
A younger emotional part associated with unresolved experiences from earlier life.
These descriptions are therapeutic ways of understanding internal experiences, rather than suggesting that everyone literally has separate personalities.
Often, a protective response that was helpful in an earlier environment may become less helpful in an adult intimate relationship.
For example, withdrawing may once have reduced exposure to criticism.
Yet in a current relationship, that same response may leave a partner feeling rejected.
Similarly, becoming highly attentive to another person's mood may once have helped someone anticipate conflict.
In adulthood, this may contribute to hypervigilance, reassurance-seeking or difficulty trusting emotional connection.
The aim of parts-informed work is not to eliminate these protective responses, but to understand their purpose and develop greater flexibility in how we respond.
When Attachment Wounds Activate Protective Parts
Attachment experiences and protective emotional responses often interact.
A person who experienced emotional neglect may become particularly sensitive to signs of disconnection.
A person who experienced frequent criticism may respond defensively when they feel judged.
A person who grew up around unpredictable conflict may withdraw when emotional intensity increases.
Attachment-related vulnerabilities may be influenced by experiences such as:
Childhood emotional neglect or feeling unseen.
Inconsistent caregiving or unpredictable emotional availability.
Separation, abandonment or significant loss.
Childhood criticism, shame or humiliation.
Growing up around parental conflict.
Emotional or physical abuse.
Bullying, rejection or social exclusion.
Having to suppress emotions to maintain connection.
Feeling responsible for another person's emotional wellbeing.
Previous experiences of betrayal or infidelity.
Coercive or controlling relationships.
Sexual trauma or violations of personal boundaries.
Repeated experiences of not being heard or understood.
These experiences do not inevitably produce particular adult relationship patterns.
However, they may contribute to emotional sensitivities or protective responses that become activated during conflict.
A partner's tone of voice, facial expression, silence or dismissive gesture may evoke a response that feels much bigger than the immediate situation.
Sometimes we are responding not only to what is happening in the present, but also to what the present moment reminds us of.
The Nervous System: Why We React Before We Think
When we experience emotional threat, our nervous systems can respond rapidly.
During relationship conflict, people may experience increased physiological arousal, changes in breathing, muscle tension or difficulty thinking clearly.
Common protective responses may include:
Fight: becoming defensive, argumentative, critical or emotionally intense.
Flight: wanting to leave, escape or avoid the conversation.
Freeze: feeling stuck, unable to respond or struggling to find words.
Shutdown: becoming emotionally numb, disconnected or withdrawn.
Hypervigilance: monitoring a partner's tone, facial expressions or behaviour for signs of danger.
Emotional flooding: feeling overwhelmed and unable to process information effectively.
Appeasing: agreeing or suppressing personal needs to prevent further conflict.
These categories are useful descriptions of stress responses, although human emotional behaviour is more complex than any single category.
During intense emotional activation, we may have greater difficulty accessing the reflective, compassionate or flexible responses we would prefer to use.
This helps explain why someone may later say:
"I don't know why I reacted like that."
Or:
"I knew what I wanted to say, but I couldn't find the words."
In trauma-informed psychological work, developing awareness of these responses can help people recognise when they need to pause, regulate and respond more intentionally.
Why Relationship Conflict Can Escalate So Quickly
One of the recurring patterns explored in couples therapy is the Maximiser–Minimiser dynamic, sometimes described as a pursue–withdraw cycle.
For example:
One partner feels emotionally disconnected.
A vulnerable part becomes anxious about rejection.
A protective response leads them to seek reassurance or immediate discussion.
The other partner experiences the approach as criticism or pressure.
Their own protective response leads them to withdraw.
The first partner interprets the withdrawal as abandonment.
Both become increasingly distressed or defensive.
The more one pursues, the more the other may withdraw.
The more one withdraws, the more urgently the other may pursue.
Neither partner necessarily intends to create distress.
Yet their protective responses can interact in ways that reinforce the very fears they are trying to manage.
This is where understanding the Space Between becomes particularly important.
The Space Within and the Space Between: An IMAGO Perspective
One of the aspects of IMAGO Relationship Therapy that resonates strongly with my approach is its emphasis on the Space Between.
We often approach relationship difficulties by focusing on each individual.
Why does my partner behave this way?
Why am I always the one who has to change?
Why can't they understand how I feel?
Yet intimate relationships involve more than two separate individuals.
They also involve an ongoing interaction shaped by how partners speak, listen, respond, approach, withdraw and experience one another.
I find it helpful to consider two interconnected dimensions.
The Space Within
The Space Within includes the emotional experiences and protective responses each person brings into the relationship:
Attachment history and emotional expectations.
Vulnerable and protective parts.
Past trauma and unresolved emotional experiences.
Beliefs about trust, love and emotional safety.
Nervous system responses and emotional triggers.
Personal needs, values and boundaries.
Individual communication and processing differences.
The Space Between
The Space Between is the relationship unfolding through everyday interactions.
It includes:
How partners approach one another during distress.
The tone and quality of their communication.
How each responds to vulnerability.
Whether differences are met with curiosity or criticism.
How emotional distance and closeness are negotiated.
How misunderstandings and ruptures are addressed.
Whether each person experiences being heard and respected.
How trust and emotional responsiveness are developed.
Imagine one partner saying:
"You never listen to me."
The other responds:
"Nothing I do is ever good enough for you."
One partner may be speaking from a vulnerable part that feels unseen.
The other may be responding from a protective part that feels criticised.
Yet neither may recognise what is happening beneath the surface.
Instead of asking only which partner is right, we can explore:
"What is happening within each of you, and how are those experiences influencing what happens between you?"
This is where the combination of parts-informed work, attachment understanding and IMAGO-informed couples therapy can offer a different perspective.
How IMAGO Dialogue Can Help Change the Pattern
IMAGO Relationship Therapy offers a structured dialogue process that encourages partners to slow down and experience one another differently.
Rather than responding automatically through criticism, defensiveness, pursuit or withdrawal, partners practise listening with greater intention.
The process incorporates:
Mirroring: listening carefully and reflecting what your partner has said.
Validation: recognising that your partner's experience makes sense from their perspective, even when you disagree.
Empathy: attempting to understand and respond to your partner's emotional experience.
It also encourages:
Listening without interrupting.
Allowing each partner time to express their experience.
Recognising emotional triggers and protective responses.
Becoming curious rather than making assumptions.
Expressing needs without blame or criticism.
Respecting differences in emotional processing.
Developing awareness of how each person's responses influence the relationship.
Practising repair following misunderstandings.
For someone whose vulnerable parts fear abandonment, being listened to may create an opportunity to experience greater emotional responsiveness.
For someone whose protective parts tend to withdraw, the structure may make it easier to remain engaged without feeling overwhelmed.
The purpose is not simply to communicate more effectively. It is to create opportunities for a different experience of being in relationship.
Neurodivergence, Attachment and Protective Responses
For couples where one or both partners experience ADHD, autism or other neurodivergent characteristics, differences in emotional processing and communication may interact with attachment patterns and protective responses.
Neurodivergence is not itself a trauma response, and neurodivergent behaviours should not automatically be interpreted as signs of attachment insecurity.
However, certain differences may contribute to misunderstandings:
Sensory sensitivity to noise, tone of voice or emotional intensity.
Differences in emotional regulation.
Difficulty identifying or describing emotions (alexithymia).
Differences in attention and executive functioning.
Rejection sensitivity or strong responses to perceived criticism.
Needing additional time to process conversations.
Differences in directness or interpretation of language.
Difficulty managing rapid changes or uncertainty.
Social fatigue or emotional overwhelm.
Previous experiences of masking, misunderstanding or rejection.
For example, a partner may interpret silence as rejection when the other is experiencing sensory overload.
Another may interpret repeated questions as criticism when their partner is seeking clarity or predictability.
A neurodivergence-informed approach recognises that partners may need different communication strategies.
These may include:
Allowing additional processing time.
Using direct and specific communication.
Reducing sensory stimulation during difficult conversations.
Agreeing on predictable times for important discussions.
Using written reminders or shared agreements.
Taking respectful pauses with a clear plan to reconnect.
Recognising different emotional and communication needs.
The goal is not to make both partners communicate in the same way.
It is to develop a relationship where individual differences can be understood, respected and accommodated.
Integrating Parts Work, Trauma Therapy and Couples Therapy
As a registered psychologist with extensive experience in trauma-focused psychological work, I recognise that relationship difficulties can involve both individual emotional experiences and patterns that develop between partners.
My approach is integrative and tailored to the needs of each individual or couple.
Depending on the presenting concerns, therapy may draw upon:
IMAGO-informed Couples Therapy: exploring relationship patterns and supporting structured dialogue, empathy and understanding.
Resource Therapy (Parts Work): understanding vulnerable and protective emotional states.
Attachment-Based Approaches: exploring how attachment experiences influence expectations of connection and emotional safety.
Emotionally Focused Therapy Principles: understanding emotional responses and cycles of connection and disconnection.
Schema Therapy Concepts: recognising longstanding emotional themes, beliefs and coping patterns.
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT): identifying and working with unhelpful thoughts and behaviours.
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT): supporting psychological flexibility and values-guided behaviour.
EMDR: an evidence-based trauma treatment that may be appropriate in individual psychological therapy following assessment.
Deep Brain Reorienting (DBR): a trauma-focused approach that may be considered in individual therapy where appropriate.
Sensorimotor and Somatic Approaches: increasing awareness of bodily responses and supporting regulation.
Clinical Hypnotherapy: used selectively where appropriate to individual needs and treatment goals.
Nervous System Regulation Strategies: developing grounding, body awareness and emotional regulation skills.
Not every approach is appropriate for every person or couple.
Where indicated, individual psychological sessions may complement couples therapy by helping a partner explore trauma-related triggers or protective responses.
The focus is on providing thoughtful, ethical and individualised care that recognises both personal wellbeing and relationship functioning.
A Science-Meets-Soul Perspective on the Space Between
Alongside my clinical work, I have a broader philosophical interest in the interconnected nature of human relationships.
We often imagine ourselves as separate individuals who come together to form a partnership.
Yet our experiences of ourselves are continually influenced by how we are met, understood and responded to by others.
Within my separate coaching philosophy, I sometimes use the metaphor of the quantum space between to encourage reflection on this interconnectedness.
This is a philosophical metaphor, not a claim that quantum physics explains relationship dynamics or validates psychological treatment.
In clinical therapy, the focus remains on psychological understanding, trauma-informed practice and relational approaches.
The invitation is to become curious about questions such as:
Which part of me becomes activated when I feel disconnected?
What is that part trying to protect?
How does my response influence what happens between us?
What might change if we could recognise the vulnerability beneath each other's protective behaviours?
For me, the Space Between offers a meaningful way of understanding that relationships are not simply something we have.
They are also something we continually shape through the ways we meet one another.
Moving Towards Awareness, Regulation and Connection
The goal of couples therapy is not to eliminate every protective response or create a relationship without disagreements.
Rather, it is to develop greater awareness, flexibility and more constructive ways of relating.
This may involve learning to:
Recognise when attachment-related vulnerabilities are activated.
Identify protective and vulnerable parts during conflict.
Understand the needs beneath defensive behaviours.
Develop greater awareness of nervous system responses.
Distinguish present-day concerns from reactions influenced by earlier experiences.
Communicate needs without criticism, blame or pressure.
Respect individual boundaries and emotional processing needs.
Develop greater empathy and curiosity about each other's experiences.
Practise IMAGO Dialogue to support listening and understanding.
Strengthen emotional regulation and distress tolerance.
Repair misunderstandings rather than allowing resentment to accumulate.
Create opportunities for greater trust, emotional responsiveness and connection.
Where coercive control, intimidation or violence is present, safety and appropriate individual assessment take priority over ordinary couples dialogue exercises.
For couples who can safely participate in relational therapy, recognising these patterns may provide a starting point for meaningful change.
Sometimes the most important shift is not simply changing what happens within us, but changing how we meet one another in the Space Between.
Parts-Informed and IMAGO Couples Therapy in Dunsborough, Vasse, Busselton, Margaret River and Bunbury
Beyond Communication. Beyond Blame. Discovering What Becomes Possible in the Space Between.
If you recognise recurring relationship patterns, emotional triggers or protective responses in yourself or your partner, you may be wondering how to move beyond the same arguments and misunderstandings.
Perhaps one of you feels anxious about emotional distance while the other becomes overwhelmed by conflict.
Perhaps earlier experiences of rejection, criticism or trauma continue to influence how you respond to one another.
Or perhaps you both genuinely want greater connection but find yourselves becoming defensive, withdrawn or emotionally reactive.
At Leigh Milne Psychology & Couples Therapy, I offer an individualised, trauma-informed approach that considers both the emotional experiences each person brings and the relationship unfolding between them.
My work integrates IMAGO-informed relationship dialogue, attachment-focused approaches, Resource Therapy (parts work), trauma-informed psychological therapy and nervous system awareness, according to the needs of each couple.
Where I Practise
Vasse – Dunsborough – Busselton – Yallingup – Margaret River Region
I offer psychology and couples therapy consultations from my Vasse consulting room, servicing couples and individuals from Dunsborough, Busselton, Yallingup, Quindalup, Margaret River and surrounding areas.
Bunbury and Surrounding Areas
I also provide psychology and couples therapy consultations through Southwest Trauma Therapy in Bunbury.
Take the Next Step Towards Greater Understanding
You do not need to wait until relationship difficulties become overwhelming before seeking support.
Couples therapy can provide an opportunity to understand recurring patterns, explore emotional triggers and consider different ways of relating.
Whether you are seeking support for attachment-related difficulties, trauma-related responses, emotional reactivity or ongoing relationship conflict, you are welcome to enquire about an initial consultation.
Because sometimes meaningful change begins not with changing who we are, but with changing how we meet one another.
Book Psychology or Couples Therapy
Leigh Milne Psychology & Couples Therapy
Registered Psychologist | Trauma Therapy | IMAGO-Informed Couples Therapy | Resource Therapy
Vasse – Dunsborough – Busselton – Margaret River Region | Bunbury
Additional Trauma-Informed Services
For information about trauma-focused psychological and complementary services in Bunbury:
Couples Intensives, Retreats and Relationship Coaching
For information about longer-format relationship education, private couples intensives, retreats and coaching experiences:
Couples coaching and complementary wellbeing services are separate from AHPRA-regulated psychological therapy. Suitability and the nature of each service are discussed before commencing.
Related Articles
Understanding Attachment Wounds in Adult Relationships
The Dance of the Minimiser and Maximiser in Relationships
How Anxiety and Trauma Can Affect Relationships
The Wheel of Consent: Why Permission Matters in Relationships
Neurodivergence, Communication, and Connection
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