Understanding Consent, Safety, and Touch in Couples Relationships

leigh milne

May 31

12 min read

Updated: Oct 25

Why Permission Matters More Than Many Couples Realise - and How It Shapes the Space Between.

By Leigh Milne Psychologist & Couples Therapist & Quantum Couple Coach

*Beyond communication. Beyond blame. Discovering what becomes possible in the space between.*

Physical touch is one of the ways many couples express affection, comfort, desire and connection.

A gentle embrace, holding hands, a reassuring touch or physical closeness can communicate warmth and emotional availability without words.

Yet touch can also become a source of misunderstanding, tension or distress when partners have different expectations, boundaries, histories or experiences of safety.

Have you ever reached for your partner affectionately, only to feel hurt when they pull away?

Or perhaps you've experienced touch that was intended to be loving but felt uncomfortable, overwhelming or accompanied by an expectation of something more?

For some couples, these moments become recurring sources of frustration.

One partner may feel rejected.

The other may feel pressured.

Both may genuinely want closeness, yet struggle to understand why physical connection has become difficult.

While discussions about consent are often associated with new relationships, consent remains essential throughout long-term partnerships, marriages and committed relationships.

And consent is about much more than simply saying yes or no.

It involves personal choice, communication, emotional safety, respect for boundaries and the freedom to change our minds.

From an IMAGO-informed relationship perspective, consent also influences something I consider particularly important: the quality of the Space Between two people.

What Is Consent in a Relationship?

Consent is a freely given, informed, specific and ongoing agreement to participate in an activity.

Within intimate relationships, this includes physical affection, sexual intimacy and other forms of touch.

Consent cannot be assumed simply because two people are married, have been together for many years or have previously enjoyed a particular form of intimacy.

Healthy consent involves:

Choice: each partner can decide whether they want to participate.
Freedom: agreement is given without pressure, intimidation, guilt or fear.
Communication: preferences, boundaries and expectations can be expressed.
Respect: a partner's decision is accepted without punishment or retaliation.
Specificity: agreeing to one form of touch does not mean agreeing to another.
Ongoing awareness: consent can change during an interaction.
Mutual understanding: both partners have an opportunity to clarify what is wanted and what is not.
Emotional safety: declining touch does not automatically lead to criticism, withdrawal of affection or conflict.

Consent also involves recognising that silence, freezing, passivity or the absence of resistance do not establish agreement.

A person may comply with touch because they fear disappointing their partner, provoking conflict or losing connection.

Genuine consent requires the freedom to say no, without fear of negative consequences.

The Wheel of Consent: Understanding Giving, Receiving and Choice

One framework I find particularly valuable when exploring touch, boundaries and relational awareness is the Wheel of Consent, developed by Dr Betty Martin.

The Wheel of Consent invites us to become curious about two important questions:

Who is doing the action?

Who is the action for?

These questions help clarify something that couples can easily overlook.

The person physically giving touch is not necessarily the person receiving the benefit.

For example, one partner might enjoy stroking the other's back.

But is the touch genuinely for the receiving partner's enjoyment, or is the person initiating touch seeking their own experience of closeness?

Neither motivation is automatically wrong.

The important distinction is whether both people understand what is happening and freely agree to it.

The Wheel of Consent explores four interactional dynamics:

Serving: doing something for another person's benefit, with their agreement.
Accepting: receiving something offered for your benefit, by choice.
Taking: doing something for your own enjoyment, with the other person's permission.
Allowing: permitting another person to do something for their enjoyment, within your boundaries.

These dynamics can help couples explore how touch is initiated, experienced and negotiated.

The framework also encourages awareness of the difference between genuine willingness and compliance.

For example:

"Would you like me to hold you?"

is different from:

"May I hold you because I'd really enjoy being close to you?"

Both may be appropriate requests, but they communicate different intentions.

The goal is not to turn intimacy into a rigid set of rules. It is to develop greater awareness, honesty, choice and respect.

Why Touch Can Feel Different to Each Partner

Two people can experience the same physical interaction very differently.

One partner may experience a hug as comforting and reassuring.

The other may experience it as overwhelming, intrusive or difficult to tolerate in that moment.

Differences in touch preferences may be influenced by:

Attachment history and expectations of closeness.
Previous experiences of sexual or relational trauma.
Personal boundaries and bodily autonomy.
Sensory processing differences.
Stress, fatigue or emotional overload.
Anxiety or nervous system activation.
Differences in desire or intimacy preferences.
Physical discomfort, pain or health-related factors.
Cultural or family experiences of affection.
Previous experiences of rejection or unwanted touch.
Expectations about whether affection will lead to sexual intimacy.
The emotional quality of the relationship at that moment.

A partner declining touch does not necessarily mean they are rejecting the relationship.

Equally, wanting affection does not automatically mean someone is being demanding.

Difficulties often arise when partners interpret each other's behaviour without understanding the experience beneath it.

A Trauma-Informed Perspective on Touch and Intimacy

For individuals who have experienced trauma, physical touch can sometimes activate protective responses within the nervous system.

This may be particularly relevant following experiences involving:

Sexual assault or unwanted sexual contact.
Childhood sexual abuse.
Domestic violence or coercive control.
Repeated violations of personal boundaries.
Emotional neglect or inconsistent caregiving.
Physical abuse or frightening experiences involving touch.
Previous relationships involving pressure or obligation.
Medical trauma or experiences involving loss of bodily control.
Shame associated with the body, sexuality or intimacy.
Experiences where saying no was ignored or punished.

Trauma-related responses to touch may include:

Heightened alertness or anxiety.
Muscle tension or physical discomfort.
Freezing or becoming unable to respond.
Emotional withdrawal or shutdown.
Dissociation or feeling disconnected from the body.
Difficulty identifying personal preferences.
Agreeing to touch despite feeling uncomfortable.
Feeling torn between wanting closeness and needing distance.
Becoming distressed by unexpected touch.
Difficulty expressing or maintaining boundaries.
Feeling guilt or shame when declining intimacy.

These responses do not necessarily reflect a person's feelings towards their partner.

They may represent protective responses influenced by earlier experiences.

However, it is important not to assume that discomfort with touch always indicates trauma. Individual preferences, sensory differences, physical wellbeing and current relationship circumstances can also be relevant.

A trauma-informed approach recognises that physical and emotional safety cannot be created through pressure. They develop through respect, choice, predictability and appropriate support.

Attachment Wounds and the Fear of Rejection

Attachment experiences can influence how we interpret physical closeness and distance.

For someone with anxious attachment tendencies, touch may provide reassurance that the relationship is secure.

A partner declining a hug or sexual intimacy may activate fears of rejection, abandonment or emotional disconnection.

For someone with avoidant attachment tendencies, physical closeness may sometimes feel overwhelming, particularly when intimacy is accompanied by emotional expectations or pressure.

Some individuals may experience a mixture of wanting closeness while simultaneously feeling vulnerable or unsafe.

These responses may be associated with experiences such as:

Emotional neglect or inconsistent affection.
Childhood criticism or rejection.
Unpredictable caregiving.
Previous relationship betrayal.
Repeated experiences of unwanted touch.
Feeling obligated to meet another person's emotional needs.
Having personal boundaries ignored.
Experiences of shame or criticism around intimacy.

Attachment patterns do not determine a person's preferences or behaviour, but they may help explain some of the emotional meanings attached to closeness and distance.

For example, one partner may think:

"If you loved me, you would want to be close to me."

The other may think:

"If you loved me, you would respect that I need space."

Both may be expressing genuine emotional needs.

The difficulty emerges when those needs are experienced as competing demands rather than opportunities for understanding.

When Touch Becomes Part of the Maximiser–Minimiser Dance

In some relationships, differences in physical intimacy can become part of a familiar pursue–withdraw cycle.

A common pattern may look like this:

One partner seeks physical affection or intimacy.
The other feels tired, overwhelmed, disconnected or uncomfortable.
They decline or withdraw from the interaction.
The first partner experiences the response as rejection.
They seek further reassurance or become upset.
The second partner feels pressured or misunderstood.
They withdraw further.
Both partners experience increasing emotional distance.

Over time, the person seeking closeness may feel unwanted.

The person withdrawing may feel that affection is no longer freely chosen.

Sometimes even non-sexual touch becomes difficult because one partner worries that it will be interpreted as an invitation to sexual intimacy.

This can lead to reduced affection, frustration and further misunderstanding.

The issue is not necessarily that one person wants too much or the other wants too little. The difficulty may lie in how differences in desire, boundaries and emotional needs are being negotiated.

Consent provides a way to approach these differences without assuming that either partner is entitled to the other's body or affection.

The Space Within and the Space Between: An IMAGO Perspective

One of the central ideas in IMAGO Relationship Therapy is the importance of the Space Between.

This refers to the quality of the relationship as it unfolds through how partners speak, listen, respond, approach, withdraw and experience one another.

I find it helpful to consider two interconnected dimensions.

The Space Within

The Space Within includes each person's individual experiences:

Attachment history and emotional expectations.
Trauma-related responses and protective strategies.
Personal preferences and boundaries.
Nervous system regulation and sensory needs.
Beliefs about intimacy, love and rejection.
Emotional vulnerabilities and relationship expectations.
Individual experiences of safety and bodily autonomy.

The Space Between

The Space Between includes what happens when those individual experiences meet.

It involves:

How affection and intimacy are initiated.
Whether consent is sought and respected.
How partners respond when boundaries are expressed.
Whether declining touch leads to understanding or conflict.
How vulnerability is received.
Whether differences are approached with curiosity or criticism.
How trust and emotional safety are maintained.
How misunderstandings are repaired.

Consider two different responses to a partner declining physical affection.

One response might be:

"You never want to be close to me anymore."

Another might be:

"I was hoping for some closeness, but I understand you're not comfortable right now. Would you like to tell me what you need?"

The second response does not guarantee connection or resolve every difficulty.

But it creates a different opportunity for the interaction to unfold.

The Space Between is shaped not only by how we approach one another, but also by how we respond when the other person expresses a boundary.

How IMAGO Dialogue Can Support Conversations About Touch

IMAGO Relationship Therapy offers a structured dialogue process that can help partners explore emotionally sensitive topics with greater awareness.

The process incorporates:

Mirroring: listening carefully and reflecting what your partner has said.
Validation: recognising that your partner's experience makes sense from their perspective, even when you disagree.
Empathy: attempting to understand and respond to your partner's emotional experience.

When discussing touch, affection and intimacy, this may involve:

Exploring what different forms of touch mean to each partner.
Understanding fears of rejection or emotional disconnection.
Recognising trauma-related triggers or protective responses.
Discussing boundaries without criticism or blame.
Developing greater awareness of differences in desire.
Learning how to ask for affection without pressure.
Practising respectful responses when touch is declined.
Exploring ways of maintaining emotional connection without assuming physical intimacy.
Developing agreements that respect both partners' autonomy.

The purpose is not to persuade someone to become more physically available.

Nor is it to require someone to suppress their desire for closeness.

The aim is to support understanding, personal responsibility, freely chosen connection and respect for individual boundaries.

Neurodivergence, Sensory Processing and Touch

For couples where one or both partners experience ADHD, autism or other neurodivergent characteristics, differences in sensory processing and communication may influence experiences of touch.

Some individuals may be particularly sensitive to:

Unexpected physical contact.
Light touch or particular textures.
Pressure, temperature or movement.
Noise or other sensory stimulation during intimacy.
Physical closeness when emotionally overwhelmed.
Changes in routine or unexpected initiation of affection.
Difficulty identifying internal bodily sensations.
The emotional demands associated with interpreting another person's expectations.

Others may find particular forms of touch regulating, comforting or reassuring.

These differences vary widely between individuals and should not be interpreted as a lack of affection or commitment.

Couples may benefit from:

Asking before initiating unexpected touch.
Discussing preferred forms of physical affection.
Identifying sensory preferences and discomfort.
Allowing additional processing time.
Communicating clearly rather than relying on assumptions.
Recognising when sensory overload is affecting intimacy.
Developing predictable and mutually agreed ways of expressing affection.
Respecting changes in preferences from one situation to another.

The goal is not to make both partners experience touch in the same way, but to develop understanding and respect for their differences.

Creating a Culture of Consent in Everyday Relationships

Consent is not limited to sexual intimacy.

It can also be practised through everyday interactions involving affection, personal space and emotional availability.

Couples can develop greater awareness by:

Asking before initiating physical contact when preferences are uncertain.
Checking whether a partner wants comfort, conversation or space.
Recognising that a yes can change to a no.
Responding respectfully when touch is declined.
Avoiding guilt, criticism or emotional withdrawal as punishment.
Discussing preferences outside emotionally charged situations.
Clarifying whether touch is intended as comfort, affection or sexual initiation.
Respecting sensory and emotional processing differences.
Recognising verbal and nonverbal signs of discomfort.
Checking in when a partner appears uncertain or disengaged.
Understanding that previous consent does not establish ongoing consent.
Allowing affection to develop without an expectation that it must lead to sex.
Maintaining personal boundaries while respecting a partner's needs.
Exploring non-physical ways of expressing care and connection.

For some couples, a simple question can create a meaningful shift:

"Would you like a hug, or would you prefer some space?"

For others, it may be:

"I'd love to be close to you. Would that feel comfortable right now?"

These conversations need not be formal or complicated.

They are opportunities to develop greater awareness of one another's experiences.

A Science-Meets-Soul Perspective on Connection

Alongside my clinical work, I have a broader philosophical interest in the interconnected nature of human relationships.

We often think about intimacy in terms of what we want to receive from another person.

Yet meaningful connection also involves recognising that our partner is a separate individual with their own emotional experiences, preferences, boundaries and choices.

Within my separate coaching philosophy, I sometimes use the metaphor of the quantum space between to encourage reflection on this interconnectedness.

This is a philosophical metaphor, not a claim that quantum physics explains relationship dynamics or validates psychological treatment.

In clinical therapy, the focus remains on psychological understanding, trauma-informed practice and relational approaches.

The deeper invitation is to consider:

How do I experience closeness?

What happens within me when my partner wants something different?

Can I remain emotionally connected while respecting another person's boundaries?

What becomes possible when affection is offered and received through genuine choice?

For me, consent is not separate from connection.

It is one of the ways we demonstrate respect for the person we are in relationship with.

When Additional Support May Be Helpful

Sometimes difficulties involving touch, consent or intimacy are influenced by experiences that benefit from individual psychological support.

This may include:

Trauma-related responses to physical contact.
Anxiety or panic associated with intimacy.
Dissociation or emotional shutdown.
Difficulties recognising or communicating boundaries.
Attachment-related fears of rejection or abandonment.
Persistent emotional distress associated with past experiences.
Relationship patterns involving pressure, avoidance or misunderstanding.
Neurodivergent sensory or communication differences.

Where appropriate, individual psychological therapy may complement couples work.

However, when coercive control, intimidation, sexual pressure or violence is present, the priority is safety and appropriate individual assessment rather than joint exercises designed to increase intimacy.

No partner should be expected to participate in unwanted touch as part of relationship therapy.

Consent, Touch and Trauma-Informed Couples Therapy in Dunsborough, Vasse, Busselton, Margaret River and Bunbury

Beyond Communication. Beyond Blame. Discovering What Becomes Possible in the Space Between.

If physical affection, emotional closeness or intimacy has become a source of misunderstanding in your relationship, you may be wondering how to rebuild connection while respecting each other's needs.

Perhaps one partner feels rejected when affection is declined.

Perhaps the other feels pressured, overwhelmed or uncertain about how to communicate boundaries.

Or perhaps past experiences, attachment wounds or sensory differences are influencing how touch is experienced.

At Leigh Milne Psychology & Couples Therapy, I offer an individualised, trauma-informed approach that considers both the emotional experiences each person brings and the relationship unfolding between them.

My work integrates IMAGO-informed relationship dialogue, attachment-focused approaches, Resource Therapy (parts work), trauma-informed psychological therapy and nervous system awareness.

Where relevant, educational concepts from the Wheel of Consent may also help couples explore personal choice, boundaries and communication around touch.

Where I Practise

Vasse – Dunsborough – Busselton – Yallingup – Margaret River Region

I offer psychology and couples therapy consultations from my Vasse consulting room, servicing couples and individuals from Dunsborough, Busselton, Yallingup, Quindalup, Margaret River and surrounding areas.

Bunbury and Surrounding Areas

I also provide psychology and couples therapy consultations through Southwest Trauma Therapy in Bunbury.

Take the Next Step Towards Greater Understanding

You do not need to wait until difficulties around affection, touch or intimacy become overwhelming before seeking support.

Couples therapy can provide an opportunity to explore recurring patterns, understand emotional triggers, discuss boundaries and develop more respectful ways of connecting.

Whether you are seeking support with attachment difficulties, trauma-related responses, differences in intimacy or relationship communication, you are welcome to enquire about an initial consultation.

Because sometimes meaningful connection begins not with asking for more, but with creating the freedom for both partners to choose.

Book Psychology or Couples Therapy

Leigh Milne Psychology & Couples Therapy

Registered Psychologist | Trauma-Informed Couples Therapy | IMAGO-Informed Relationship Work

Vasse – Dunsborough – Busselton – Margaret River Region | Bunbury

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Additional Trauma-Informed Services

For information about trauma-focused psychological and complementary services in Bunbury:

Southwest Trauma Therapy

Couples Intensives, Retreats and Relationship Coaching

For information about longer-format relationship education, private couples intensives, retreats and coaching experiences:

Quantum Couple Coach

Couples coaching and complementary wellbeing services are separate from AHPRA-regulated psychological therapy. Suitability and the nature of each service are discussed before commencing.